I really must make more of an effort posting these, it's been a while.

The priest walks into the vestry with a worried look on his face, the verger asks the priest what seems to be the problem. The priest says I dont believe it someone has only pinched my bike. The verger sits there for a moment then he says. I know how we can catch the thief. How said the priest.  When you take the sermon this Sunday preach the Ten Commandments and keep a close eye on the parishioners. When you reach thou shall not steal look for the red face and you will have him. What a good idea I==, said the Priest.  The following Sunday he gets up into the pulpit and starts preaching the ten commandments, all of a sudden he breaks off and starts preaching about something else.  After the service the verger pulls the priest to one side and said, I thought you were going to preach the ten commandments? I was said the priest but when I reached thou shall not commit adultery i remembered where i left my bike!
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Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish accent:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake. When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
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BREAKING NEWS:  A man has discovered how to do origami backwards.  More on this story as it unfolds.
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I said to the wife during the recent petrol shortage "Fill the car up please"  She came back with with shopping bags full of new clothes, shoes and handbags, which is not quite what I meant
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I was at a funeral the other day and I said to the deceased spouse, "Do you mind if I have a word"  "Not at all" she replied.  So I said "Plethora".   She said "thanks, that means a lot".
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Stealing clothes from washing lines?  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!
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I was driving down the road earlier and I saw a man in the cemetery. I wound down the window and shouted, "Morning!" He called back, "No, just walking the dog."
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Stallone : Im making a film about the great composers. I am Beethoven.

Van Damme : Ill be Mozart

Swarzenegger : takes a deep breath
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