Sorry peeps, a bit late this week

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he

suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the

act. For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The

husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his

wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The husband puts a

gun to the naked man's head

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

- HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

- HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

- HE paid for your Football season tickets.

- HE paid for our house at the lake.

- HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

- HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.

- And because of HIM, I can put an extra £2,000 in our checking account each month.

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks

over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a

cold !!

--

Doctor: Your girlfriend Is pregnant.

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story...

A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. 

The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed.

Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts BANG at the tiger. 

The tiger died.

Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.

Doctor: Exactly.

--

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He protested, but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going, so he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much?

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....

--

Walking behind 2 young girls chatting about their escapades on Tinder & one exclaimed that she'd had 2 dates & ended up having sex with both of them. 

Her friend said "Same! Must be something in the air!" 

I'm not an expert on such matters girls but I reckon it's your legs.

--

A scantily dressed woman knocked on my Dad's door today and said Hello, my name is Jane and I've come to give you super sex! He's 88 years old, so he thought a minute and said I think I'd better have the soup!

--

So me and and my girlfriend went up to the Ryanair check-in desk this morning.

The assistant asked: "Do you have reservations?"

I said: "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway."

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If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw?

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