A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. Ok I want to buy a pet, but I dont want a boring or normal pet no cats, dogs, or birds I want something different. The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. Really?, the main replied, How much? The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks? The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks? The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesnt talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says Look mr centipede, do you want to go to the pub or not!? The centipede tuts and says I heard you the first time!!! Im putting my boots on!

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Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

 The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realise the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

 "Property?, his wife replies. The fecker had a window cleaning round."Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.

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Losing an hours sleep yesterday didn't really bother me - I've lost whole days before now when out on the razzle.

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An old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favourite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DONT TOUCH THOSE - theyre for the funeral!"

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Nasa scientists have said that one day we'll be able to live on Mars
What rubbish, I tried it for a month once and I put on a stone

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Did you used to knock on peoples front doors and then run away and hide before they could answer... If so then Hermes are looking for Drivers.
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