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Post Info TOPIC: Weekend Fun 7.6.20


Master Book-keeper

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Weekend Fun 7.6.20


I've decided to change the title, as I can't remember the last tme I did the fun page on a Friday.  

 

Yorkshireman: It's my wife Doctor, I can't seem to get her pregnant

Doctor: Has she got the coil in?

Man: Has she eckerslike - she's noreven washed spuds yet.

--

A man walks into his hotel's lift

The operator asks, "Which floor son?"
"17th" replies the man

"No problem son" says the operator

As they approached the 17th floor the operator said, "Enjoy the rest of your stay son"
"Why do you keep calling me son?!" asks the man

"Well, I brought you up didn't I?" he replies

--

My daft mate Dave just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "You idiot, you robbed an estate agent."

--

A nun in a convent gets up and makes her way for prayers and breakfast. As she passes a sister the sister says you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning,

She goes a bit further and another sister says you got out of bed the wrong side this morning. This happens a further 20 times until finally she passes the mother superior who says sister can I have a word. Before she can reply the sister says if you say you got out of bed the wrong side this morning I'll scream and swear.

The mother superior says I wasn't going to say that, I was going to ask why are you wearing the Bishops slippers?

--

People often accuse me of stealing others jokes and being a plagiarist.  

Their words not mine...

--

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, sh@gged two women and blown £100 on drink.

She's going to go absolutely mental when she gets home from work.



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John 

 

 

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Master Book-keeper

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I had to read the 1st one 3 times, doh. Then just said it with a Yorkshire accent.

Fab, thanks John...and posted on time in line with your heading!

Usual pics from me, but some dodgy covid jokes too.

1984.jpg

dog eared.jpg

glass.jpg

Pisshead.jpg

Scary.jpg

scientific.jpg

yep.jpg



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 Joanne 

Winner of Bookkeeper of the Year 2015, 2016 & 2017 

Thoughts are my own/not to be regarded as official advice,which should be sought from a suitably qualified Accountant.

You should check out answers with reference to the legal position



Master Book-keeper

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  1. What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.
  2. Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
  3. You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes.
  4. Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. Its about to get ugly out there.
  5. Why dont chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? Theyre in bad taste.
  6. You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.
  7. What should you do if you dont understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.
  8. The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All thats left is de brie.
  9. Ill tell you a coronavirus joke now, but youll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
  10. Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.
  11. What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I so late.
  12. Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I dont want to spread it around.
  13. Where do sick boats go to get healthy? The dock!
  14. Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? Its a long story.
  15. Yeah, I have plans tonight. Ill probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.
  16. Why didnt the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.
  17. 30 days hath September, April, June, and November, all the rest have 31, except for March which has infinite.
  18. What types of jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes!
  19. Whats the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.
  20. If theres a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.
  21. Whats the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? Ones the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.
  22. I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.
  23. You know what theyre saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
  24. What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.
  25. If coronavirus isnt about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?
  26. Still no toilet paper in the stores. Theyre wiped out and youre shit out of luck.
  27. So many coronavirus jokes out there, its a pundemic.
  28. What did the man say to the bartender? Ill have a corona, hold the virus.


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 Joanne 

Winner of Bookkeeper of the Year 2015, 2016 & 2017 

Thoughts are my own/not to be regarded as official advice,which should be sought from a suitably qualified Accountant.

You should check out answers with reference to the legal position



Senior Member

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You guys bring a smile on a busy rainy day!

I saw the beer even though I dont drink the vile stuff

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Caron



Expert

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Amen, Caron - make mine a cider!

The one John included about plagiarism sounds like it might be a Milton Jones type joke. It reads so 'right' if you imagine it in his voice.

With Joanne's - most I've heard before, but the Romeo and Juliet one made me properly chuckle.

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Vince M Hudd - Soft Rock Software

(I only came here looking for fellow apiarists...)



Master Book-keeper

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VinceH wrote:

The one John included about plagiarism sounds like it might be a Milton Jones type joke. It reads so 'right' if you imagine it in his voice.


 It does doesn't it.  It may well be one of his, I have four sources for the jokes, including a new one I found a couple of weeks ago, but they have to make me chuckle first (I've long exhausted my memory bank although I sometimes remember one and include it) 

Thanks Joanne for your contribution, some I've heard but a few I haven't.

Glad I'm making you smile Caron, I enjoy putting the page together.



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John 

 

 

 Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.



Forum Moderator & Expert

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statue pigeon.png



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Shaun

Responses are not meant as a substitute for professional advice. Answers are intended as outline only the advice of a qualified professional with access to all relevant information should be sought before acting on any response given.



Master Book-keeper

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ha



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 Joanne 

Winner of Bookkeeper of the Year 2015, 2016 & 2017 

Thoughts are my own/not to be regarded as official advice,which should be sought from a suitably qualified Accountant.

You should check out answers with reference to the legal position



Master Book-keeper

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Yes, someone really has it in for the poor pigeons, first they deprive them of their chips then nick their resting places!!



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John 

 

 

 Any advice given is for general guidance and professional advice should be sought applicable to your circumstances.

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